Trying To Remember Me

This Tumblog (is that what we call it?) is *retired*. It was a character experiment that is no longer needed (I wrote the darn book—er, the first draft of the darn book). If you’d like to keep following my Tumblr escapades, hop on over to this one:

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/somewhereoverthereblog

Where I’ll attempt to “properly” tumbl until I can’t tumbl anymore.

Thanks to everyone who followed me through this, short, project. :)

Chris found the computer in the basement. He’s also discovered that I have not been sleeping in May’s bedroom, and that May has not been sleeping in her own apartment but has been sleeping in Seth’s bed.

He was very angry.

While he was yelling I told him that I had seen the coffins he spends every night building (I figured that as he knew I slept in the basement, he must have assumed that I had seen him working at least once). I thought that maybe if he knew how beautiful I thought they were, he would yell less.

Unfortunately, he did not.

May yelled at him for yelling at me, telling him that it was her fault that I wasn’t sleeping where he had told me to sleep. I thought of pointing out that if I had wanted, I could have told May to let me sleep where I was supposed to sleep, but it didn’t seem to be the best idea.

I told Seth about this later. He told me that it was improvement, that I was learning about “social conventions” and what I should and shouldn’t do. I suppose I must have known these things at some point, so perhaps I’m starting to remember again.

In the end Chris smashed the computer with a hammer. However, he doesn’t know that only a few weeks ago I discovered another computer in the piles - of “junk” as James calls them - in the basement.

I’m sleeping in May’s room now - Chris checks each night to be sure - and I can only sneak back down to the basement when he leaves.

I have been thinking a lot lately about memory. Particularly my memory. Much of the memories I seem to have lost prior to coming to live with Chris that hindered my day to day life (what various foods are, how to operate the shower, etc) have been recovered. Or rather, they have been remade. I don’t remember the time I initially learned these things in my previous life, but I have finally been able to hold memories of myself re-learning these things now.

It makes me wonder if I really have this “amnesia” that Chris insists I have, or if maybe someone has gone into my head and removed them, so that I may never recall them again. 

That then brought me to wonder how memories are connected in the mind. Say, if I were to lose one specific memory then how would all the memories tied to that be affected?

I don’t remember my mother. I have fleeting images in dreams sometimes where a woman is leaning over me and speaking softly, but I don’t know if this is anyone important. I’d like to think she is my mother. But, to the point, if I don’t remember my mother then can I remember the things that she taught me? The places that she took me? How tightly are memories wound together? Will losing memory of one event cause me to lose all memories tied to those who were also present at the event? Of the place in which the event was held?

I brought these thoughts up to James the other night. He told me not to think so much.

There have been so many unexpected raids lately. May told me to sleep in her room from now on, or at least until the raids slow down. She’s been staying in her own apartment, and hasn’t been around much since.

Staying in her room has kept me away from the old computer in the basement I had been using for this. I’ve only been able to sneak back down here tonight, but I’m listening closely for the raid sirens.

Seth says the raids are nothing, that every couple of months the officers of Meztére start having unannounced raids, to keep everyone in Sector Three on their toes. Apparently the Oversoul - the leader of Meztére, at least from what I’ve been told it seems that is what it is - isn’t fond of what happens in Sector Three, despite how much people in Sectors One and Two seem to disagree.

James thinks the officers - he calls them Wolves (I’ve seen them, the masks they wear are very canine) - are looking for something. He won’t say what, though. I wonder if he knows, but I doubt it.

Chris doesn’t have anything to say for once.

Something very interesting happened last night. 

I was just settling down into my bed in the “storage” room in the basement when May ran in and grabbed me - very roughly - by the arm and dragged me up the stairs. She nearly threw me into her bedroom and closed the door in my face. The only thing she told me was to “lay down and be quiet”.

A few moments later, Chris threw the door open - nearly slamming me against the wall - and ran to the window. He pulled at the thick black curtains - May told me once that they are “black-out” curtains that stop any light from coming through the window - that covered it before grabbing me by the arm and dragging me into the kitchen.

He nearly threw me into one of the old wooden chairs and all he told me was to “sit down and be quiet”.

I was shortly joined by the everyone else - James, Seth, May, and Chris. We all sat down and were quiet for what seemed like a very long time.

I was later told by Seth that there had been a “raid” and this is when officers of Meztére go through the streets of Sector Three and take anyone they can find. If there are lights on in any of the buildings or if anyone is making noise, they will go and take those people too. And when officers of Meztére take someone, no one ever sees that person again.

Apparently these “raids” happen quite frequently. While they aren’t announced, word always spreads when one is coming. No one knew that last night’s raid was coming until it started.

It seems the more I learn about this place I have supposedly lived my entire life, the less I find it is an enjoyable place to live.

I may have gotten myself into some trouble today.

I don’t think any blame should be placed on my shoulders. Chris, of course, believes otherwise. He spent a very long time yelling at me. His face was so red with anger, I could see it even with his mask concealing most of his face. 

This is what happened: I had gone with Chris, Seth, James, and May out into Sector Three this morning to watch them perform. They are all quite good together, really. The boys play their stringed instruments while May dances. She doesn’t dance like she does at the nightclub - I would give the name and suggest visiting, but I seem to have lost it. When she dances on the street, she is slow and beautiful and wears long dresses that sway around her legs when she twirls. 

There were other performers around, but everyone watched May dance.

Chris kept watching while he played, with this strange look in his eyes. Perhaps I was imagining it, his eyes are shadowed behind his mask. So when he looked away for a moment, I slipped down an alley and wandered for a bit. I felt maybe Chris didn’t want me there, as he often doesn’t like me hanging around him.

As I wandered, I came across one of the roads I had seen a few times that lead up from Sector Three into Sector Two. I had never - in my memory at least - seen Sector Two. But as I was starting up the side of the road, Chris appeared out of nowhere, grabbed my arm, and dragged me back down the bit of road I had already climbed telling me very sternly to “keep my head down”.

I later learned that, as we live in Sector Three, we are not permitted to enter Sector Two without a pass. And we are likely to never be permitted to enter Sector One. But apparently, anyone who lives in Sector One is permitted to enter whatever Sector they like, whenever they like.

Meztére is a very large and very strange city. I don’t think I will ever understand it.

It seems that where one sleeps in this place is of vital importance to Chris.

Only Chris and Seth are allowed to sleep in Chris and Seth’s bedroom. Only James is allowed to sleep in James’ bedroom - absolutely no guests. Only I am allowed to sleep in May’s bedroom, and May must sleep in her own apartment.

However, it also seems that Chris’ decisions carry very little weight, and so long as he doesn’t know this then everyone is happy.

See, I do not sleep in May’s bedroom. May and Seth sleep in May’s bedroom. Chris rarely sleeps in his own bedroom at the time that Seth is sleeping in May’s bedroom, so he has little idea that Seth is not sleeping in their bedroom. James has guests sleeping in his bedroom very frequently. I sleep in a room for “storage” - at least that is what is written on the door. I don’t think I’m familiar with the term, though - in the basement.

I don’t mind the “storage” room. May’s bedroom is strung with satin curtains to cover the cracking walls, and is always piped full of candles and incense. The “storage” room is full of boxes and stacks of things I can’t distinguish. It’s also very loud; the pipes that funnel steam throughout the building bang particularly loudly in here. But I have a small place to sleep and it’s really quite pleasant - I think.

Chris isn’t to know I sleep there, though, nor is he to know where everyone else is really sleeping when he thinks they are sleeping elsewhere. Chris also doesn’t know that I know he spends his nights building coffins.

They’re quite beautiful, really. He spends hours carving small designs into the wood. Seth told me that people all over Meztere request coffins from Chris, even people from Sector One.

I want to tell Chris what I think of his coffins. But I’m afraid that is one of the things that Chris isn’t to know.

We wear masks because everyone has always worn masks. It’s a rule. At least that’s what Chris yells at me each time I try to take mine off. He doesn’t yell at May when she takes hers off, though. Of course, I doubt she would listen to him if he did.

Our masks represent who we are, inside, or so I am told. But Seth says that’s only how it is in Sector Three. He says in Sector One they wear fabulously designed masks made of gold and silver and diamonds. And people who live in Sector Two have more to worry about than what their masks look like.

I wear one of May’s old masks. I didn’t get to choose it. Seth and May tell me I wasn’t wearing one when I showed up, and they were surprised I hadn’t been arrested yet. Of course I don’t remember any of that.

Looking back, I’m sure I didn’t know much more about myself then than May did. So her choice is likely as good as mine would have been.

Although, I have found that our tastes are rather different…

I don’t think I’m supposed to be doing this. Chris tells me I have to follow the rules or I’ll never figure out who I am.

He doesn’t know that May showed me the old computer (at least, I think that’s what she called it…) in the basement. There’s a lot of stuff down here I don’t think I’m supposed to be seeing.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to remember what all of this stuff is.

But then again, I don’t even remember me.